Dying Is Not a Failure — It’s How We Complete Our Living
Most of us get through life on a steady diet of conversations—big ones, small ones, awkward ones, even the ones we’d rather avoid. But when it comes to the conversations that matter most at the end of life? Suddenly everyone goes quiet.
I’ve watched people I care about tiptoe toward these talks with their families, partners, and clinicians—gently, lovingly, and with the best intentions. And I’ve watched some of those attempts be met with resistance, deflection, or outright shutdown.
It can be disheartening and disappointing. It’s also human.
And it’s also our reminder: dying deserves as much honesty and communication as living.
So instead of waiting for crisis, overwhelm, or the medical system to decide the tone of the conversation, let’s pull up a chair now—while we still have choices, energy, and clarity.
Because how I die matters to me and my people.
How you die matters to you and yours.
And how we show up for ourselves and each other? That’s the whole point.
Small Steps Toward a Better Ending
These aren’t dramatic gestures. They’re gentle, doable nudges that move us toward clarity, courage, and connection.
1. Ask for real conversations with your medical providers.
Invite them to sit with you in the fuzzy, nonlinear reality of dying—without interpreting it as a failure of medicine or of themselves. A simple question like, “What does it look like if things don’t improve?” can open the door.
2. Gain clarity on the continuum of care.
Request a steady transition that supports living fully to the end, balancing quality and quantity, which includes hospice care. What does it take to qualify? Why is that still such a mystery to most of us? Ask for the PPS (Palliative Performance Scale) and the eligibility criteria to receive hospice as a continuum of care.
3. Map out all your options — including “doing nothing.”
This one is rarely named, yet often deeply meaningful. Sometimes the richest final chapter comes from conserving energy, savoring time, and focusing on what (and who) matters most. Need some extra guidance for this? Download the illness roadmaps from the authors of “Hope for the Best, Plan for the Rest” and bring it with your next medical appointment. Use it for ANY illness to gain clarity and remember to ask for the conversation to include, “And what does it look like if I do nothing?” Doing nothing is an option that is rarely evaluated side-by-side medical treatment.
4. Play with more intentional language.
The words we choose shape how supported, seen, and understood we feel.
Try softer phrasing. Try clearer phrasing.
Or simply ask, “How would you like to talk about this?”
No one wants to rush death — so let’s grab a chair and talk about it, before we find ourselves scrambling through it with overwhelm in the driver’s seat.
Now, ask yourself:
Reflection: What Opens Up When You Take These Steps?
Maybe you feel a little lighter.
Maybe someone you love feels relieved that you went first.
Maybe you realize you’re more ready for these conversations than you thought.
These small moves don’t fix dying—they simply make space for it to be more human, more connected, and more aligned with what you value.
Seeing your story with clarity and compassion and using that perspective to support your future by:
Refocusing on what still matters going forward
Cultivating a more intentional year(s) ahead
Remembering someone worth reconnecting with
Highlighting life details you want included in your obituary (remember that file you’ve started back in September with that first line?)
Generating a list of people you want to be notified when you die
Sharing Is Caring
If you’re responsible for someone else’s care—or will be someday—these steps matter twice as much. Share what you’re learning, ask others how they’re thinking about their own final chapters, or invite a friend to compare notes over coffee.
You don’t need to solve everything.
You just need to take the next small step.
And then the next.